I watched a movie tonight that I've never seen before, called Reign Over Me...and after the movie ended I felt terribly sad for the characters and for things that I had yet to deal with in my life too.
It took only a movie of such profound pain of the heart to make me fall and feel that pain anew for the umpteenth time. I can't count the number of times I've watched a movie or a tv program (Oprah) and just lost my cool and had tears in my eyes because something reminded me about issues that I haven't dealt with. I think everyone goes through these things too, that there are things in our lives that we regret and that we haven't worked through so we bury them deeply and forget about the...that is until something reminds us.
I'm 39 years old now, going on 40 this year...and for the past 17 years there have been many things that I have regretted and buried in my memories...so sometimes these things come out and they aren't fun to deal with.
I've decided that it's important for me to go and speak with someone about my feelings, and to try and deal with the pain of some of these memories.
I miss my brother...and I can't even write this without tears welling up in my eyes, I miss my ex and how she use to make me smile, despite the fact that life threw us a loop and things didn't work out, I miss her and what might have been and how our two little girls would have been raised with us still together.
I'm weak tonight because this movie affected me more than I thought one could...I thought I would take the time and type this up because my blog is my personal journey, and as unfortunate as it may be that I have to relate the sad part of my life here, well that's why I started this blog, to follow the journey, to follow my thoughts....I will have to continue to travel down this path until I have resolved my feelings towards the loss of my brother and the loss of my ex. Both have affected me with feelings of guilt and sorrow that it's very hard to deal with. But I have plodded on, I have done what I needed to bring up my two little girls...but by repressing those emotions, I think I have done myself a disservice and by doing so, I have done my daughters a disservice.
So...to Billy... I miss you buddy and I'm sorry for the ass I was as a brother to you...I'm sorry for all the bad things I've ever said to you, and I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me. I'll never forgive myself for not saving you.
To Julie...I'm sorry I wasn't the man that could help you become the person you needed to be, I'm sorry I couldn't fix the problems that we had or strong enough to find a way to make your life a happily ever after.
To myself: I forgive you.
- Robert
Reign O'er Me: The Who (remake: Pearl Jam)
"Only love Can make it rain
The way the beach is kissed by the sea
Only love Can make it rain
Like the sweat of lovers
Laying in the fields.
Love, Reign o'er me
Love, Reign o'er me, rain on me
Only love
Can bring the rain
That makes you yearn to the sky
Only love
Can bring the rain
That falls like tears from on high
Love Reign O'er me
On the dry and dusty road
The nights we spend apart alone
I need to get back home to cool cool rain
I can't sleep and I lay and I think
The night is hot and black as ink
Oh God, I need a drink of cool cool rain"
It took only a movie of such profound pain of the heart to make me fall and feel that pain anew for the umpteenth time. I can't count the number of times I've watched a movie or a tv program (Oprah) and just lost my cool and had tears in my eyes because something reminded me about issues that I haven't dealt with. I think everyone goes through these things too, that there are things in our lives that we regret and that we haven't worked through so we bury them deeply and forget about the...that is until something reminds us.
I'm 39 years old now, going on 40 this year...and for the past 17 years there have been many things that I have regretted and buried in my memories...so sometimes these things come out and they aren't fun to deal with.
I've decided that it's important for me to go and speak with someone about my feelings, and to try and deal with the pain of some of these memories.
I miss my brother...and I can't even write this without tears welling up in my eyes, I miss my ex and how she use to make me smile, despite the fact that life threw us a loop and things didn't work out, I miss her and what might have been and how our two little girls would have been raised with us still together.
I'm weak tonight because this movie affected me more than I thought one could...I thought I would take the time and type this up because my blog is my personal journey, and as unfortunate as it may be that I have to relate the sad part of my life here, well that's why I started this blog, to follow the journey, to follow my thoughts....I will have to continue to travel down this path until I have resolved my feelings towards the loss of my brother and the loss of my ex. Both have affected me with feelings of guilt and sorrow that it's very hard to deal with. But I have plodded on, I have done what I needed to bring up my two little girls...but by repressing those emotions, I think I have done myself a disservice and by doing so, I have done my daughters a disservice.
So...to Billy... I miss you buddy and I'm sorry for the ass I was as a brother to you...I'm sorry for all the bad things I've ever said to you, and I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me. I'll never forgive myself for not saving you.
To Julie...I'm sorry I wasn't the man that could help you become the person you needed to be, I'm sorry I couldn't fix the problems that we had or strong enough to find a way to make your life a happily ever after.
To myself: I forgive you.
- Robert
Reign O'er Me: The Who (remake: Pearl Jam)
"Only love Can make it rain
The way the beach is kissed by the sea
Only love Can make it rain
Like the sweat of lovers
Laying in the fields.
Love, Reign o'er me
Love, Reign o'er me, rain on me
Only love
Can bring the rain
That makes you yearn to the sky
Only love
Can bring the rain
That falls like tears from on high
Love Reign O'er me
On the dry and dusty road
The nights we spend apart alone
I need to get back home to cool cool rain
I can't sleep and I lay and I think
The night is hot and black as ink
Oh God, I need a drink of cool cool rain"
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